ABANG

May 31st 2011, my brother passed away.

Words can never describe my feelings.

I, myself am confused. After the news rang through my ear, I felt my heart stopped for a mili-second. Even though I knew this time would come sooner or later, my heart was too honest for my own good. And before I knew it, tears was rolling down my cheeks, I was close to hyperventilating, I can reply with nothing more but, "Um" to my parents' and sister's words.

But deep inside, I know I was expecting this news.

My Mom called me a few days back, telling me that my late-brother was hospitalized again. Two days later, he was found unconscious by the nurse. My heart sank, I couldn't think straight for a few days. I find myself walking aimlessly, thinking but not thinking, praying but at the same time hopelessly vacant.

But, a couple of days ago he woke up again.

All of the sudden my insides feel light. I was able to read without losing myself in empty thoughts - I was relieved. "There's still hope", was what I thought.

And today was the day. And I just remembered something.

I'm not so much of a omen-believing person but, I remember something that happened to me this morning. One of my glasses fell apart when I was putting it on before I head out to class. I had a bad feeling about it but I was thinking more about the test rather than...well...Let's leave it at that.

But I'm not sad. I'm happy because I know that he left us with many wonderful memories. For some reason the memories when he was sick was more faint to me than the memories when he was strong and happy. I can still clearly remember when he brought my sister and I to the waterfall near our town. I can still remember him teaching me how to draw from comic books. Always coming home with new sets of colouring and drawing supplies for me to use. I can still remember him having me sitting securely in front of him while we rode the motorbike to the pasar malam in town. My hair was always flying around on the bike, almost blocking his view but he never complained. He'd rather endure that than have me sit at the back. He was a wonderful brother, the greatest brother I can ever ask for. And I know how much he tried to be that brother, even after he was sick. 

And I want to remember him that way. 

As my greatest most wonderful brother. Forever.

Amin