Wishes

I wish, it was easier for me to say, "I love you"

I wish, I could tell someone how much I truly miss them

I wish, I could say out loud how much I care

But I can't

I want to...

Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me? 

Why can't I just let go and move on....why????

And I'm Gonna Wrinkle My Way Through...

I've been seriously concerned about these laugh lines that's been appearing on my face since the last few months...maybe it's been there longer but I never took note of it..who knows

But with the way things are going right now, I don't think I'm gonna get any younger in complexion soon...

The thing is, I've finished studying (officially, YAY!!!!) a few months ago but I am yet to graduate due to the ceremony being held in May instead of November...so yeah, my status as a graduate right now is kind of a blur...same with my job status

I'm literally JOBLESS and BROKE right now!

My sponsor/employer has yet to inform us of where and when we will start working...

My Mom has been talking about money and loan non-stop since the middle of last year...

Our family seems to be getting into one thing after the other and it's drying us up financially bit by bit...

And I have basically RM0 income untill the third/fourth month of my working period.....

and the worst thing is, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to make things any better for my family, or myself!

I guess I'm gonna get more and more wrinkly just trying to get through all of this.........

The Sweetest Gift

Why does he have to be 10 years younger than me?

I'll pray for your happiness kid. I'm sure you'll make your future partner the happiest person alive...

You're already making my life brighter with your light 

Thank you for everything

(^ w ^) 

Eid

After three years of celebrating Eid with tears thousands of miles away from home, I'm finally here eating ketupat and rendang with my Mom. 

Bliss

But at the same time, I feel like crying 

(it's probably just my hormones kicking in)

Like, how would you feel if you tell the person you love more than your own life a very important matter, but he/she just simply says, "NO!".

I don't understand why nobody in my family (apart from my Mom) won't listen to what I have to say...

I'm not asking them to buy me a car

I'm not asking them to change my line of work for me

I'm not even asking them for pocket-money

I'm simply asking them to listen and understand 

I guess once a kid, always a kid...

Nobody ever listens to what a kid has to say.........

Eid Mubarak

A Mother's Tears

My Mom and I went out to the local market today to look for some stuff for me to bring back to Auckland. About two more weeks to go....sigh....can't decide if I'm excited or sad to be honest...

I'm so worried about my Mom...I mean, I've always been worried, but things have been really tough on her lately...I wonder if she and Dad will be okay once I leave...

Today, after we got back from the market (mind you, it was DAMN hot!), we were exhausted and after we changed, my Mom and I decided to lie down for a bit before she gets lunch ready. And while we're lying down, one of my sisters called. 

The conversation seemed fine (it was rather cheery than usual even), but all of the sudden, my Mom started reminiscing about her childhood. To be honest, this sort of thing is pretty normal. I've listened to the same stories over and over again ever since I was a kid...

But today, she was telling me about the story back when she was in Indonesia as a kid, during the rough times when my Mom, her little sisters and my grandparents hadn't enough money to even afford a cup of rice. So they basically had to eat tapioca (sprinkled with only sugar) for over two weeks - so that's three meals of tapioca a day...

My Mom actually has nine siblings altogether. Two of her eldest sisters passed away when she was still little, so she basically grew up with four older and two younger sisters - she was the seventh. But during that time (above), all of her sisters were already married, and she herself was about to marry my Dad. Still, none of her married sisters offered anything to help my Grandparents...until one day, my Mom went to one of her sisters (the one before than her) and asked for help. Surprisingly, my Aunt didn't even realize that her sisters were starving when she was living a happy married life on the other side of the town. So my Aunt helped out by bringing some food to my Grandparents and things were okay......

but that meal was actually the last meal she prepared for my Grandpa...he passed away, the day after.

And after my Mom finished her story, all of the sudden

SHE CRIED

I've listened to this story thousands of times before but she never cried...

And I couldn't do anything to stop the tears....

I know she's worried about my sisters...we're not rich, and we've nobody else but us...and she's getting old, Dad's getting old...and yet,.......sigh....I dunno....

If only photos are 'true'...I'd take as many happy photos of us as I can so I'd never see those tears again.

"You could've probably bought gold with all that..."

That was what my Mom said after seeing me re-arrange my magazines, comics and DVD collection.

The thing was, I decided to continue looking for my Naruto DVDs today and I came across my old Gempak collection from secondary school. It was piled up about 1 feet tall in the back of my old closet, I took it out (along with all the other stuff in there) but still, no sign of Naruto...I'm really beginning to think that the whole set of DVDs might've been stolen in that incident two years ago....

But thanks to this Naruto-searching thing, I finally took my time to re-arrange my magazines.

And this is what it looks like now,

I had the magazines and big books (like Harry Potter) stacked in the back and the comics and smaller books and DVDs at the front.

This is the treasure of my youth 

(^w^)

And this is the very first Gempak I ever bought (or seen to be honest). Gempak didn't come to my hometown till a couple of years after it was first published, so I was really thrilled when I first saw this one and bought it straight away!

And believe it or not, that was almost 10 years ago!

Gempak was still less than RM4.00 back then...

But this was legend for me.

This copy of Gempak started everything..

It was this copy that introduced me to Ghibli Studio's amazing artwork, Spirited Away (though I have to admit I didn't really understand what the magazine was saying when I first read this article - never seen a Japanese anime-movie before. At least never seen one that looked as amazing as the one featured in the article above)

And my encounter with Ghibli's and Miyazaki Hayao's works just kept coming from then on, as a result -

I'm a die-hard fan now! (I've seen almost all of Miyazaki's works!)

(^ e ^) \/

This copy was also the one that introduced me to the horror wonders of Ito Junji.

Ito Junji is famous for horror-manga-turned-movie The Ring as well as Uzumaki.

I love Ito Junji's works and have read a few translated ones myself, but I've never read both The Ring or Uzumaki before...ironic huh~

And along with the mountain of Gempaks are a puddle of other Art Square Group magazines namely Starz, Utopia, Hype. Though I do admit that Utopia and Hype are not really my type of reading material so I probably have less than 20 of both of them combined. The ones above are the very first editions of both Hype and Utopia featuring Avril Lavinge (Utopia) and Linkin Park (Hype) on the covers. 

The first edition of Starz was inside of the closet, if I'm not mistaken the cover featured Naruto...while the first edition of Popcorn is in Auckland....whose art was it again on Popcorn's first cover?..... was it Puppeteer's? I don't remember.....

Anyway, I'm gonna show this to my children, nieces and nephew(s) one day...with pride heeee~ 

(^ w ^)

"How come?"

While looking at the moon, my Mom started this conversation in relations to one of my sisters...

Mama: "How come everybody else's kids can find their partners so easily?"

Me: "Wha?"

Mama: "You know, why is it that everybody else's kids around here are able to find their partners so easily but not my -"

Me: "How many times have I not ask myself the same question, Ma"

Mama: "No, no you're different. You're still young, plus you're still studying"

Me: "And yet all of my friends are either married or engaged"

Mama: "But they're different from you. You've changed now. The way you dress, you just need to change a bit more and-"

Me: "You think guys will come at me because of that? I don't think so. You know what? I'm 90% sure that wouldn't happen"

For some reason there's something about my sister and I that are scaring all the good guys away. Everywhere I look, I see my friends, my relatives, people that I know taking a step forward in building their future and I never fail to wonder, "How come?".

And I've been trying my best to stop asking myself that, because I know it's still not my time.

Still there are times when I feel my chest tightening up (hopefully I haven'y any heart problems or anything...) when I think about these things. 

But I know things can never go as we plan them to be. 

70% of the time, you'll never get what you want in life.

For instance,

I applied for an architectural degree but passed for an education one instead.

I wanted to live alone but had to live in a shared apartment instead.

I was looking for Naruto but found Futurama instead.

I wanted to go back with Jetstar but had to go with Emirates instead.

I wanted to try the new pizza,....and I got what I wanted!

It's just life. You get some, you lose a lot.

Finally, 23!

So,....

today's my birthday!!! Yay!!! ^^\/

And we celebrated both mine and my Dad's birthday today eating everything from pizza, to laksa, to tosai, everything!

Everything except for cake

Ironic for a birthday huh?

But it was AWESOME!!

Another step away from immaturity, and another step forward to growing senile

(^e^)

The Differences of Two Worlds

Three nights have passed since I left Auckland.

There was no sense of excitement, only a weariness that has been lingering since the middle of the year, following me back home.

Eversince my brother passed away, I have been avoiding any conversations relating to his last moments of life. 

Everytime my mother started the topic on the phone, I will immediately simmer her down, not wanting to broaden the conversation any further. 

My daily life has been filled with fulfilling but empty colours of university. 

Assignment -> relax -> food -> relax -> allowance -> photography -> Japanese -> Education -> Jackie -> Sheryll -> coffee -> anime

I was exhausted with trying to exhaust myself. 

But coming back home, everything was sepia in colour. The only figure that never failed to pick me up everytime was no longer there. 

My mother herself was losing apparent amount of weight, looking very exhausted, but smiling widely to me nonetheless.

Reality has grabbed me harshly by the hands. 

Part of me longs for those empty colours of life, but a part of me longs to face this reality head-on.

And I don't want to run away. 

The me who was telling my mother to always be strong might be the weakest one after all.

And I know that for sure when I have been shedding drops after drops of tears everytime my mother talks about my late brother. 

I'm tired, lost, scared but at the same time, generously blessed. 

I will face this.   

The Permanent Black Ink

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to be more amiable?

Everything I do, everything I say seem to be tinted with permanent black ink!

Why?

I'm really not that bad.....or maybe I am, but I just don't know it....but still!

How come....

Yes, I Actually HATE Losing

I don't think I'm a sore loser or anything like that, but I do know that I hate to lose.

I'm not exactly a fan of being on top of the pack either...but I dunno...

sometimes I just get this weird sensation in my stomach when I see someone goes a step further than I do...

Maybe it's what people call, 'jealousy'

But still, I absolutely hate to compete!

Once I realize there's a competition for something that I want, I'll back off straight away!

Dunno why,...though there's a possibility it's because I know I'll hate it if I compete and lose....

So I usually just drop out silently...

That's what happen everytime I fall for someone.

Once I fall for the guy, I usually have the tendency to appeal a bit here and there

but once I realize that there's another girl who's on the same track as me, I'll back off.

Just like that~

Same with the things that I do, for example taking photos.

Once I realize that there's a dozen out there who are doing the same thing, I'll back off.

So I'm basically slacking off a lot with my 400D nowadays 

because it's (a weeeeee) bit irritating to see anyone and everyone holding a godamn DSLR everywhere...

I mean, I don't wanna be the only one doing it, but I don't wanna be one in a thousand who's doing it either....

It's just........boring that way

So I dunno, is it really jealousy or is it just a thing with not wanting to be the same as everybody else...

I am well aware that I hate being or having the same thing that everyone else has though...

I like them 'limited edition' things....though I've never bought anything LE my entire life...

oh wait, I have! a DVD! teeeheee ^^

That's why I like to get clothes from OP shops and stuff. 

Because the clothes are either from waaaay back so nobody else wears them anymore, 

or they're from somewhere who-knows-where so nobody around you have the same thing.

I mean, I can't afford to get something from Gucci or Chanel, so OP shops are more economical y'know

*Sigh*

I don't like to feel this way about things though...

'Cause it gets so damn tiring to care about anything and everything~

And The Depression Kicks In...

I've got over a month before I step on my homeland again, and the depression has started to kick in....

The thing is, once I get back, all the aunties and whatnots will be coming to our house to for some strange reason to 'have a look' at me........

I don't know if there was a time when I didn't ask myself, "Why would they want to look at me??"

And the usual comments I get when they do look at me would be,

a) "Oooo...she's quite big, huh?"

b) "Mmmmm I guess the weather there isn't suitable for her skin type, huh?"

c) ".....she didn't get much fairer (skin)...."

Damn it woman!

What do you expect? 

You think I'll step off that plane with blue eyes and rosy, pink skin?

I ain't no Anne Hathaway! 

HaaaaawraaaaaaaaghhhH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm an insecure ball of mess to begin with, and getting those sort of comments don't really help me to become a much saner adult (dunno if that word actually exist, but what the hell)

Curse you society! Curse all of you attractive bitches! Curse you judgmental freaks! 

It doesn't matter even if I lose a truck-load of weight, go under the knife or even skin myself off! 

The world ain't gonna change one bit, and I know I ain't gonna get any more secure with myself than I already am now anyway!

So f**k 'em all for all I care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

** I found this on Tumblr, but seeing that I don't have a Tumblr account, I just took the photo and shared it manually here.

photo credits to Liveastdieyoung

No, I'm not a PHOTOGRAPHER

No, taking photos with a camera heavier than a bowl of rice, doesn't make you a photographer.

So no, I'm definitely not a photographer.

I used to think, "I wanna be a well-known female photographer!" . But seriously, WHY???

I like taking photos, that's definitely something even I myself can't deny, but no, I don't really want to be a photographer

The only reason why I thought the way I did was because I was frustrated at the fact that everyone around me who were able to take great photos using huge cameras were guys!

"It's an insult to modern society," was what I really thought........ 

I didn't like to admit that girls are not good with mechanical things like cameras! I wanted to show others that girls can understand about all those technical terms like 'aperture', 'shutter speed', 'ISO', 'white balance', 'shooting in RAW', 'lighting', 'HDR' bla bla bla bla.....

I just wanted people to see that girls can also do it!

Pretty feminist-sounding there, aye?

But really, I'm no feminist. On the contrary, I hate those "this is unfair bla bla bla" "rights for XXX bla bla bla"

I find it senseless sometimes....but yeah, there're also agreeable fights for justice done, but generally, I'm not a big fan for those kind of movements

Ok, that's a bit off topic!

The thing is, I've always loved taking photos. I started off with phone cameras then moving onto a regular digital camera and so on. I love to document my daily life, or the things that happen around me using photos. 

Y'know what they say, "WHY DON'T U TAKE A PICTURE? IT LASTS LONGER!". 

Indeed, why not huh?

So to be honest, I don't really like it when people refer to me as, 'the photographer'. I mean, it's really rude to label someone like me as a photographer when there are thousands of people out there who had to spend 3 - 4 years in uni, learning about all the tidsy-bits of photography just to get that title. I barely had my 400D for a year, I'm definitely no photographer.

That's also the reason why I never ask to be paid. The fact that people want me to take their photos is already an honour for me. If they think the photos I took were worth paying, then I'll be glad to accept it, but if not, then I would say that my work is not satisfactory enough and I have to learn a lot more so that people will think, "wow, I want to buy that from you! How much?" out of their own will. 

Plus, what kind of photographer walks around with one lens? Not only that, a cheap 50mm plastic and a kit-lens!

Man, I'm ashamed to be called a photographer....

I am Rock Bokte Lee!

It's that time of the semester again,

The assignment crunch time!!

* sigh *

Well I intended to start doing this thing last night after watching rugby, but ended up reading about a whole list of man-eaters on Wikipedia instead.

I can't help it...it was so very intriguing...I mean, did you know that there's a type of catfish in India that eats human?!! How amazing is that??!! 

So I tried to compensate for last night by waking up pretty early (considering that it's the weekend, so I'd say I was up pretty early today ^^) and going to uni to work on the essay...but I just ended up stressing myself more than ever! 

It's like, I know what I have to do but at the same time I don't...y'know what I'm saying?

Anyways,...I can't do nothing now...

But I can't give up! 

I know this is starting to sound pretty damn corny right about now but, I'm gonna fight! 

Fight for the damn 30%!

For the next three days, I'm Rock Bokte Lee! (btw I'm referring to Rock Lee from the anime, Naruto here)

HOHOHOHO!!!!

The Best

The best students a teacher can ever ask for

YOU GUYS ROCK!

\(^ w ^)/

When Was The Last Time I Had a Break?

So tired...I wonder when was the last time I felt this tired....I dunno...I can't even think straight right now

Well, one week of TE is finally over, and one would think that this means, HOLIDAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

HELL NO!

I have an assignment due tomorrow,

A wedding to shoot tomorrow,

A circus to go to the next day,

And some lessons to plan, also the next day...

I don't even remember the last time I laughed in my room, watching silly shows that I 'grabbed' from the net.......seems like so long ago that I've been torturing this brain with burden...and the work has barely even started

But on a positive note, I'm not hating TE 

In fact, I quite enjoy being able to help kids in school

I mean some of them barely have any English in their system at all.

But I've only mostly helped Japanese students in the school since they are usually the ones having problems in coping with the language and I'm able to communicate (though very poorly) in their language. So while I was able to practice my oral skills, they are able to learn in return. So yeah, give and take. Not so bad, huh?

But, I sure pity them. They're not used to the local learning system (I mean, even I'm not used to it) where students are supposed to do everything on their own, regardless of the fact whether they are able to or not. And I have to say, most of them weren't able to do much.

I mean, we should give them credit for just even showing up to school! 

I'm sure I won't even step one inch into the place if I was in their shoes.

Eid for a Student-Teacher

Yup, after almost 30 days of fasting (and hopefully, practicing pure good deeds), Eid is peeking  through the curtains for us all to celebrate...

And for me as one of the Malaysian future teachers living in Auckland, this time of the year also means that our practicum period is waiting for us with a bright red light as a sign of 'DANGER IS APPROACHING!'....*sigh*

Still, that doesn't mean we won't be celebrating the big day with bright smiles and fancy clothes to counter the attack!! *hohoho*

Eid is Eid! No matter how you celebrate it, it still is the first day of Syawal where we celebrate the completion of Ramadhan 

(^ w ^)

And to me, Eid equals to,

1) asking forgiveness from my parents and family

2) Malay raya songs

3) wearing the hardly-ever-worn baju kurungs without thinking to myself, "damn, this thing's a pain!"

4) nasi impit

5) kuah kacang

6) beehoon goreng

Yup...nasi impit, kuah kacang and beehoon goreng.....

(T ~ T)

Are the things that I won't be getting this Eid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hwargh!!!!!!! 

(T 0 T)

And I'd like to put the blame all on me being,

a) a student-teacher 

b) a bad Malay cuisine cook......I can cook fine, but I haven't a clue how to cook proper Malay food

The thing is, I asked my flatmate today, "d'you think we should buy some chicken to make some rendang?" and I thought to myself, if she said, "sure!", I'll suggest some raw peanuts as well for the kuah kacang...guess what she answered....

"who's gonna cook 'em?"

and everything ended there....because I know I wouldn't because I haven't a clue how to....but I'd definitely answer, "ME!" without hesitation if she asked, "who's gonna eat 'em?".......

I at least wanted us to have some kuah kacang and nasi impit in the house..........just to get in the 'raya' mood.....and I thought everybody thought so too.....

Maybe it's just me being awfully loose (as usual) with my responsibility as a full-time uni student and an in-practice teacher-student.........maybe I have to learn to set my priorities right....

But still..............

Kuah kacaaaaang~~~~ 

(T 0 T)

Just Shut Up and Walk Away

I'm amazed with my ability to create my own world and hide in it despite of being around a group of familiar and friendly people for days and days

For some reason I just can't get out, or even live without this so-called 'my world'

So I realized that, maybe I just can't be in groups

I get tensed

And I tend to want to run away

Or just simply hide by being really quiet

Because once I open my mouth, the words that seems to come out are usually awfully unpleasant

And I don't like to make others feel bad just because I feel dreadful

So I prefer to just shut up

And WALK AWAY~!

p/s: I miss my ol' guy friends from primary school....

What Makes a Girl, a 'Girl'?

I don't get girls...

I dunno if I have the right to say that in the first place but,

How is it that they could blurt out cute-like lines so easily?

Is that what you call, "bajet kiut"? or are they really unaware that what they're saying is making them look like they're "bajet kiut"-ing?

I can't do stuff like that, so I guess I am a bit jealous...

because whenever I see or hear girls do those kind of things it makes me feel less of a girl even more

And it makes me wonder if I have to also act the same way just to be acknowledged as a girl

But what makes a girl, a 'girl' in the first place?

A cute face?

Smooth, fair skin?

Nice petite body?

Cute, chirpy voice?

Innocent, pure smile?

Adorable antics?

I dunno...I'm not the one who's in charge of these limitations...

Society is

I really don't mind getting sick

But I DO mind getting snot flooding out of my nose 24/7!

Argh!!!! And just when we are running out of tissue!